An insight into me, myself and others

It is a known fact that we are generally more critical of ourselves than we are of anyone or anything else. Well, I am no exception to this. And the older I get the more I have noticed this about myself, and I have found it has started to impede my life - in terms of happiness, and also in terms of actually having a life, which I currently do not.

Even now, as I'm sitting here writing this I keep going back, auto-correcting, editing, constantly going back to fix what I've said, to make it better, convinced that if it isn't perfect it'll make me sound like a babbling idiot. There was a time when writing came much faster and easier for me. I can remember sitting in grade 11 English class, assigned to make a children's book for my grade 1 reading buddy, and faced with the task of coming up with the story board. And I was stuck. I don't write from a structured outline like that, I just start writing, and the story comes to me as I work through it. Or at least it did.

As I worked my way through the end of high school and into the beginning of university I became more and more concerned about how people saw me; what were they thinking of me by the things I said and did, the way I acted etc.? I screened everything carefully, and thus turned myself into a side-liner, and not always a happy one at that.

Looking now at the people I admire most, the people who, in my mind anyway, have happy, full, engaging lives, are the way they are because they don't screen everything they do and say. Now granted, at some point everyone will say something they immediately regret, will think "I should have thought about that before I said it" that's just a fact of life. But for the most part, as it has been told time and again, just being yourself is more important.

And I am a writer. I can't help it, it's inside of me. There are too many thoughts in my head at one time; big thoughts, worldly thoughts, philosophical thoughts. They have to come out. And like most writers, I wanted all my thoughts to be shared with others. Not everything, some things are just too personal to share with anybody, but some of my bigger questions, my ponderings and musings. That's where this blog came from: a way to share my thoughts in a manner that others could see. And then a few months later I stopped because.... well really, I was 15, who knows why I did anything!

But then talking with a seasoned and wise woman in my family, and an experienced blogger herself, she inspired me to start again. Because I'm not writing this to be analyzed by others, or to be judged. I'm writing it for me. There is no "right way to do it." If there are big gaps, if it doesn't look like other blogs, that doesn't matter. That's not what's important.

While in high school, I found that every year I learned one major valuable thing about myself that enabled me to grow up, and change and adapt into adulthood. Well, here's something else: I'm not done learning yet. There never comes a point in a life when there aren't new things to discover, about the world or about yourself. I am a writer, and I do it because I want to, I need to and I enjoy it. I want others to read what I have to say, and eventually become known and loved, but for right now, doing it just for me in my own way is good enough.

Youth and Innocence

Have you ever heard the expression "ignorance is bliss?" It could be interpreted as offensive, I mean, the term ignorance is not used in kind context anymore. But if you think about it, there is truth to the statement. To be ignorant is to be unaware, and sometimes being unaware of the goings-on around us can help to retain our happiness. There is a lot of hardship in the world right now, and it can get pretty bogged down and depressing if you start thinking too hard about it. Ignorance is bliss, aka: unknowing is happiness.

What about "children are resilient" have you ever heard that one? That's another good saying. If you're talking about innocence, children are as good as it gets. At birth, there are 2 things a baby knows instinctively how to do: suck, grab. That's it. Everything else has to be learned and acquired later on. It is said that being born is the scariest experience that can ever happen. Now mind you, that's said from the cushy, fortunate North American stand-point. I'm sure there are those in the world who would think differently on that. But lets say it is. So, there you are, warm and safe all bundled up in this dark little cocoon, and then suddenly you're rudely shoved out head first into this bright loud place, poked and prodded and who knows what else. And then, your put in the arms of the woman who carried you inside her for all those months. Wrapped up, warm against her skin safe and innocent once more.

Children are epitome are youth and innocence. They don't control who has them, where they are born, what happens surrounding their birth. They are born into the world and have to adapt to whatever their situation is. Sometimes they are wanted and loved and cherished, other times pampered and spoiled beyond belief. Sometimes they are unwanted, rejected, burdening. Sometimes they are forced to grow up too fast because there are others who need things from them and they don't get to need anything for themselves. But through it all, they are resilient and they are innocent.

You can put a toddler in a car, and they can fall asleep in the blink of an eye, and when they wake up they could be at home, or the grocery store or in Mexico, and they still sleep because they haven't yet learned not to trust the people who have them in their care. That comes later. For a few short and sweet years, they are ignorantly in bliss. We talk about people ruining the world, well maybe the world ruins people. It is said that the hardest thing about this world is living in it, death is the easy part. And it's true, the world is not an easy place to live in. Bad things happen, often things beyond our control and we have to adapt. Everyone has to learn that at some point.

So, let children be innocent. Keep them sheltered and safe from knowing what they can become capable of. Retain them in a bubble of warmth and pampering and love. Let them fall asleep not knowing where they'll be when they wake up, but trusting that they will be all right. We have the rest of our lives to know stuff. Let ignorance and bliss last as long as it can.  

Beginning Again

I am a writer. I always have been. I want people to read what I have to say. I gave up on this blog 3 years ago, not long after I started it. At the time I felt like it wasn't for me.

But that was 3 years ago. I've changed considerably since then.

I am away from home right now, on a journey to visit my various maternal cousins. Speaking with one of these cousins the other day, made me realize that I want to do this again. I think it means something; it's important, worthwhile. I want to thank her for letting me see that.

This blog is aptly named: Into the Quiet Mind. I started it to let people into mine, to share my tangled thoughts with the world. And I want to do that again.

I could easily have scrapped it, and started a new one, but I'm learning that as you go through life it is important to finish the things you start, no matter how much time goes by. Everything deserves to be carried out.

So here we go. 3 years and 3 months later, I'm back.

Beginning again.

Post Groundhog Day

A week ago, the groundhog saw his shadow, which traditionally speaking, means 6 more weeks of winter. I tried to explain how groundhog day works to some of my friends, but they didn't really get it. If he sees his shadow, which he's afraid of, he goes back into his hole for another 6 weeks. If it's cloudy, it means an early spring. Well, January was uncaractaristically warm this year, (though my dad says people say that every January in Victoria, which based on the past few years is true) and we had a beautiful first week of February, but today it rained. That doesn't mean anything though. It rains a lot here all year. It's hard to believe it's February already. The semester's barely started and I've got so much to do this spring that I just know I'll blink and it'll be over just like that. Every year older I get goes faster. Our school musical opens in 2 weeks and we are now in major, scrambling, cramming, panic, stress mode. But we'll pull it off, just like we do every year. Well, last year I did concession, but this year I'm actually part of the show, living my high school dream of being in the pit band. The music's really hard though!! It wasn't written for our level of playing I don't think. It's great practice to be pushed that hard though. And like most other things in life, it's not that hard after you work with it a bit. It really makes things easier once you figure that out.

Reflections

It's been almost two weeks since I last blogged. I've been busy with school, but I wrote my last exam today, so I figured it was time to reopen this blog and empty my brain of thought. I'll start with science, my today's exam. It wasn't just a science exam, it was a PROVINCIAL science exam; my first. This was going to be the year I got an A on every exam. It was going to be the year I rose to the top of the grade curve, it was my plan from the very beginning. But of course, being me, it was much easier to slack a little and take the average mid to low B. But I knew I'd bring my mark up on this exam. I had confidence. We had to write it on line. This morning when we were all standing around the computer lab to go in I said to one of my friends "I'm scared!" which at the time was kind of true. Well, my science teacher was right there and heard me say it and said "Don't be scared, you'll be fine." God, I wanted that A!!! Well when I walked out of there 2 and a half hours later I was 85% sure I'd bombed it. There were so many questions where I didn't have a clue. I was thinking, "I want an A, but I'll be lucky if I can get a B!!" The thing is though, is I didn't cry, or panic or in general, freak out which is what I generally do when I think I bomb on tests. I know I'll pass, and even if I get a C+, it won't ruin my life, it's still only grade 10, it's one class and I've still got a whole other semester to bring my GPA back up. It's now been a whole year since I first started grade 9 science (semester 2 to semester 1) and oh, the changes I've gone through. I've grown. I've grown up and I've matured and I think it shows. I'm making an effort, or trying to anyway and I think people are noticing. So science isn't my forte, and okay, math isn't either, but other things are, and I've found life to be a lot more enjoyable when I focus on the positive rather then the negative. That's over and done with and it's time to move on. It's funny, I usually feel a lot sadder at the end of the semester, but this time it just felt like the most natural thing in the world to have all my classes end halfway through the year and to know I'll get knew ones on Monday. It just felt like the right time for it to end. I could just feel that it was time. I think that's another sign I'm growing up. I know there'll be more in the future, and I can't wait for them to come. The world will never stop spinning, even when I'm old and gone. No matter what happens, no matter what we lose or how many mistakes we make or how many tests we bomb. No matter how bad we feel, eventually we always have to move on, no matter how long it takes. It's something we so often forget. Ten year from now, the little disasters of today won't matter. And for the most part, it won't fix anything to worry over them now. I trying to live by that from now on. I wonder how much better the world would be if everyone else did too?

January Sunshine

I've been taking a blogging break. But I'm back now to reflect on a slight miracle: a beautiful afternoon of January sunshine after a week of dark, dismal rain. It's been raining (and flooding) all over the southwest coast of BC almost all winter, which as everyone knows could pose a huge problem to the coming winter olympics. Here's hoping it holds off for them. Last weekend the 7 day forcast called for at least a week of rain, but this afternoon it cleared up a bit and by the end of the day I was able to walk home with beautiful sunshine pouring over the drenched city. It was certainly a much appreciated break here for us. I've been busy planning for exams and wrapping up the semester, and we've got extra pit band rehersals as the musical approaches. I can feel the stress level of our teachers ever slowly rising, but I know we'll pull it off and it will be amazing. It always is and everybody knows it.

I have spent the past week considering where I stand in life. My friends, my grades, all that I can achieve in my life and the busy spring I'm about to step into. (More on that later) Last night was an open house at school for grade 8's to pick a high school for next year. I couldn't believe how many showed up!!! I was there as a guide. Every time there's an orientation I try to be there to help out. It gives me a great sense of accomplishment (and superiority) to look at them and remember where I was, not all that long ago, and then look at how far I've come and where I am now.

And of course, everybody knows about the tragic earthquake that hit Haiti this week. My school along with the rest of the country has jumped onto the helping wagon. Bake sales and donations jars have been organized for the coming week to raise money towards helping out in any way we can. I'll be sure to put some money in the jar on Monday. If my 5 dollars can help heal the sick or feed the hungry, I'll gladly give it. We often forget how fortunate we are here. Winters here tend to be long and dreary, but on the sunny days, I can stop and reflect on everything I have and for that I am grateful. Grateful for sunshine. It is so beautiful.

School... continued

It's almost as if we were never gone! There's less then 3 weeks left in the semester and everyone's scraping to finish in time. I have to start/finish one last sewing project. Not to mention exams!!! For science I have to write my first ever PROVINCIAL exam!! It's on the 29th, the last day of exam week as well as the last exam of the day. But it'll be fine. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and everything will work out great, just like it always does in the end. I'm kind of worried about socials. I mean, I absolutely love Canadian history, everyone who knows me knows it's my insane, thriving passion (next to writing of course) but my notes aren't really organized very well and we missed some stuff around the middle of the semester. And science, well that's not my strong suit. I'm going to study my brains out for the next few weeks if I want to do well enough to move my grade from a low B to a high(ish) A. Then there's all the other stuff that keeps popping up that we have to have done in the next three weeks.
Aaaauuurrrrgggghhhh!!! Who do they think I am? Wonderwoman?? (I meant that jokingly. Remember what I said about ''it'll all be fine'') Well speaking of all that I'd better get to it. One good thing about today though: It stopped raining!!! Yay!! It absolutely downpoured all of yesterday and most of today. They don't call it the "Wet Coast" for nothing!